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[PongoP]

There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to
his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the
others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By
the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an
envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing
they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We
had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office."

[JRS]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
====================
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to   the idea.
=======================
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[McK]

Jeff Foxworthy on Living in New England. I think the only joke missing is one about Dunkin Donuts

>>>>>


If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in New
England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in New England.

If your town has more bars than churches, you might live in New England.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in New England.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE NEW ENGLANDER WHEN:
1. "Vacation" means going South past New York City for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how
to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road
construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue
spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Philadelphia.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
18. You go out for a fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

[e30_325es]

I'll comfirn all of those, especially the last. Monday it's supposed to be 40 and I'm planning on wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

[JRS]

We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[jamminjames]

So a passenger jet is flying to it's destination with a full cabin. It flies into a storm and a wing gets struck by lighting, tearing the structure apart and losing the accompanying engine. As the plane begins it's uncontrollable descent and eventual destruction, a young woman stands up and shouts above the noise of hysteria,"I'm only 20 years old. I want one of you men to make me feel like a woman before I die!". The remaining passengers in the cabin fell silent and there was an out-of-place pause. Then a handsome young man stood up and while unbuttoning his shirt, walked bravely back to her row. He removed his shirt revealing to the young woman and the rest of the crowd an admirable muscularity and presumed virility. As she swooned at the sight of his rippling chest, he tossed the shirt at her and said, "Iron this.......and get me a beer!"

*****

Butt Plug...

[JRS]

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

[JRS]

WINNERS

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking. With his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom..
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the Red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place."

[JRS]

A man appears before St.. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him in the mouth, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

[Casey3561]

Down home in the mill, workers were allowed to take a wheelbarrow load of sawdust home with them every so often if they wanted- leftovers from cutting wood to feed the blast furnace, you see.

Now, Jerry, he was a nice guy, smart, too. Every day, he took a full wheelbarrow load of sawdust, and wheeled it home. The guard eventually thought this was strange, and asked him to dump it. He did, it was searched, and nothing was found. Every day for 25 years, the same routine- dump, search, nothing,

Jerry finally retired, and on his last day, the guard said "You know, I KNOW you were stealing something, but I have no clue what. You can tell me. What was it?"

Jerry looked him in the eye, gave that half-grin of his, and said "Wheelbarrows.".

[JRS]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being woul d eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you
to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are
you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?

[jamminjames]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND
1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

5. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

6. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

8. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

[scrat]

what happened to the jokes.

[JRS]

Q: Do you know why Divorce is so expensive ?
.
A: Because it's worth it.

[jamminjames]

How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?


She fell out of the tree...