Unofficialbmw.com

[JRS]

ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A) One of his fingers is clean.


Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?

[JRS]

Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My
fiancé's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to
her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond
what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would
be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with
me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for
about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with
this situation. I headed straight out the front door...: There, leaning
against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He
explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be
true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on
passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancé what her parents did, and that I thought their
"little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep
the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking
out to my car was to get a condom?
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?

[Billo]

Subject: TGIF

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a
blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her
biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,
"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.

.

[scrat]

for sure this was the joke of the day. god job billo

_________________

[JRS]

A Man went into an adult store and asked the clerk for a blow up doll.

"Male or Female?" The clerk asked.

"Female", said the man.

"White or Black?" asked the clerk.

"White" replied the man.

"Christian or Muslum?" enquired the clerk

"What difference does it make what religion it is?" Exclaimed the man.

"The muslim doll blows herself up" stated the clerk
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?

[JRS]

A Mexican from El Paso found himself in Lubbock and decided to approach a prostitute down on 17th and R.

He asked her, "How much do you sharge for the hour?"

"$100," she replied.

"Do you do Messican-style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it
Messiccan-style."

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you
$500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten
years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could Messican-style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?"

The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check."
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?

[scrat]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. "Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy."
"And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.
_________________

[JRS]

Little Johnny's Question

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?

[jamminjames]

I'VE LEARNED ……..

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a$$holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

**********

Why do so many brunettes have bruises around their navels?

Because men have blond hair too...

**********

PONDERABLES


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.

21. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?

22. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

23. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

24. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

25. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

26. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

27. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

28. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

29. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

30. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

31. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

32. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

33. What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

34. Why do they call them buildings when they're already built? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?

35. Why do they call them apartments when they're built together? Shouldn't they be called "togetherments"?

36. Why do we park on a Driveway and drive on a Parkway?
_________________
Some say time is the fire in which we burn.
--Dr. Soren


91 325ic "Tasha" 145K
04 X3 2.5 "Yet Unnamed" 45K
95 Dodge Neon "Beater" Work Car 125K

[scrat]

went to the doctor a month ago. doctor told me that i needed to take some medication i asked him what it was and how much. He said you need to take 1 pill three times a day.


I thought for a minute. Ok i couldnt let it go. I asked him how do you cut up the pill into thirds.

He looked at me
_________________

[jamminjames]

*****

The 10 things men know (for sure) about women!!! (Be certain to read
all of them!)

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10. They got Boobs!......

*****

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

*****

TECHNOLOGY FER COUNTRY FOLKS

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin'the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carrytoo much farwood

RAM: That thing what splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the wintertime

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Yankie talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

*****

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
Paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Religious school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

*****
_________________
Some say time is the fire in which we burn.
--Dr. Soren


91 325ic "Tasha" 145K
04 X3 2.5 "Yet Unnamed" 45K
95 Dodge Neon "Beater" Work Car 125K

[JRS]

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?

[JRS]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 4 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?