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[Billo]

Have you ever noticed some people are like a slinky?

They have virtually no purpose however,
you still get a chuckle when you push them down the stairs.

[Mad_Milo]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks
past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says, "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is
'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree; ditty bops on thru the jungle to
the river and leans over the river to get his drink Well, the lizard is so
stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree
and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and
walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey
is still sitting and tokin' on the joint.

He looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "ffuuucccckkkk dude.............how
much water did you drink?!!"

[Mad_Milo]

Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and
uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy"

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my god. And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

[Billo]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "ST! OP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

[JRS]

Philosophy;

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.

"Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,

even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though,

because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really"

Well," concluded Socrates,

"if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[scrat]

ok a blonde goes out to her mail box in the morning and checks her mail. She looks in and sees nothing. With a confused look she goes back in. She does this several times during the day. Around 12 noon she does this again. A neighbor sees her and asked if she is expecting an important package or something. She Replies. " No i have been workin on my computer and it keeps saying (you have mail)"

[JRS]

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate
$5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"

[scrat]

why was the blonde starring at the orange juice at the supermarket







it said concentrate

_________________

[Billo]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"

"Yes."

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but could find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

Merry Christmas, buddy!"

[scrat]

thats a good one.
_________________

[tncean]

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning??












Goes home.


tncean

[tncean]

A Tennessee state trooper is parked near a four-way stop at a major intersection.

A red and white car with Georgia plates comes up to the intersection, slows, but doesn't stop, in plain view of the trooper.

The trooper blue lights the guy and pulls him over.

The Georgia guy starts dog-cussing the trooper and his state and football team.

The trooper tells the guy to get out of the car.

The guy is out of the car and the trooper just starts wailing away at the guys' head with a nightstick.

The trooper pauses, and says to the guy; "Sir, now that I have your attention, do you want me to slow down or stop?"



tncean

[JRS]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes
and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the
billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his
mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks
it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?

[scrat]

oh man that was funny thanks that made my day
_________________

[JRS]

On the outskirts of a small town,
there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard
voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met
an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy,
"you won't believe what I heard!

Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid,
can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered,
"Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.

Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped
the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they
tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.
That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made
it back to town a full 5 minutes
ahead of the kid on the bike.
_________________

Is your cup half full or half empty ?