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[JRS]

The State Trooper
-----------------

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two Miles north of the PA/MD state line.When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind The patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in the world I can pass that test."

[JRS]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
======================
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

[JRS]

Wife vs Husband
===============
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

[graha13836]

Pirate walks into a bar..Bartender says "IS that a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "IIII and its driving me nuts"

[markf]

A man walk up to a produce clerk in the store, and askes him if he can buy a half head of lettuce.

The clerk thinks to himself..'Gawd.. what moron'

The clerk says to the man..'Hang on, ill check'

The clerck goes into the back and says to the manager, "I've got this Moron out there who wants to buy a half head of lettuce"

Then the clerk realizes the man is standing in the doorway listening to him.. so quickly he sasy.. "uhhh... but THIS GUY WANTS TO BUY THE OTHER HALF"..

The manager O.K's the deal..

Later on, the Manager comes up to the Clerk, and says, "that was quick thinking. I like the way you recovered, there. We need quick thinking guys like you to help manage our stores in Canada".

The clerk says, "CANADA..?!!.. there's nothing up there but Whores, and Hockey Players..!"

The manager looks angry and says.." Hey man.. my WIFE is Canadian.."

The clerk says, " OH YEA..? What position does she play?"

[McK]

This was on Conan, I can take no credit. It might not be word for word.

A physicist is to "what goes up must come down" as Paris Hilton is to "I must go down on what comes up."

[JRS]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[JRS]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car.

They said "Heavens no, we bought it."

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".

Each of the women said "We can't drive".

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting."

[Kyzee]

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.'


Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'


Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.


Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: 'Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?'
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: 'Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....'


THE WINNING JOKE

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'


SECOND PLACE

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
'I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes' replies Watson. 'And what do you deduce from that?' Watson ponders for a minute.
'Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?'
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!' he says. 'Someone has stolen our tent!'


Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.'


Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied 'I don't know, it all happened so fast.'


Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

[JRS]

WATTA WREK

An old guy's car collides with a young guy's car and both vehicles are demolished. The two guys crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident. The old guy says: "Look at this miracle! This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days." "Sure," says the young guy, convinced that the old man's crazy. "And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "Another miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune." The young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who refuses. "Aren't you having any?" asks the young guy. "No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I'll wait for the police"

[jamminjames]

Things I've pondered about over the years:

What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over" ?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '?

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

I got a sweater for Christmas.
What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex.
It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

How come we have to choose from just 2 persons for president, and 50 for Miss America?

I still miss my ex.
But my aim is getting better!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Stop the Slaughter!
Boycott Baby Oil!

Money does grow on trees.
It's just that the banks own all the branches.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

If your kids ask where all the money went, show 'em the video tapes.

Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

To all you virgins:
Thanks For Nothing!

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Moosehead: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

After I cook the vegetables what do I do with the wheelchairs?

As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her name was, "Always".

Can you yell "Movie!" in a crowded firestation?

This statement is false.
(Think about it...)

Why do they call them buildings when they're already built? They should call them builts.

Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

Why do they call them apartments? They should be called togetherments.

And two blonde jokes you probably haven't heard:

Why did the blonde fall out of the tree?
She was raking leaves...

Why do so many brunette women have bruises around their navel?
Men have blonde hair too.

James

[Billo]

James...

[Billo]

Ok, ok, ever have the kids act up?

How to make the kids behave!

Bill

[jamminjames]

Bill - I love it! Wasn't that on SNL?

That's my kind of humor...

And, that's what I needed when I raised my four kids!

James

[kyshadetreebmw]

So this blonde gets pulled over for speeding. The blonde police officer goes up
to the driver and says, "M'am I need to see your license." The flustered driver is digging in her purse and says, "Oh I can't find it! What does it look like?" " Well, it has your picture on it."
Finding a small mirror down in her purse she says, "Oh here this must be it." and hands it to the officer. She looks at it and says.
"Well, if I had known that you were a police officer too, we could have done away with all this fuss!"