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[JRS]

JOKES FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it, once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. (I resemble that remark.)

[McK]

I am cutting and pasting these as I found them, feel free to insert your politicians and parties of choice:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?

Well, says the Queen. the most important think is to surround yourself with intelligent people.

Kerry frowns. But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?

The Queen takes a sip of her tea. Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. The Queen pushes a button on their intercom. Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?

Tony Blair walks into the room. Yes my Queen?

The Queen smiles. Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, That would be me.

Yes! Very good, says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice
the same question. John, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?

I'm not sure, says John Edwards, Let me get back to you on that one. Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Colin Powell yells back, That's easy, it's me!

Edwards smiles, and says Thanks!

Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell.

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."
"I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."
The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"
"I would like a new sports car."
"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"
"I'd like a million dollars."
"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"
"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

[JRS]

Norweigan Firefighters...

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vedo is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!"

[jamminjames]

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them!

[jamminjames]

Success is .......

At age 4, success is ...... not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is ...... having friends.

At age 16, success is ...... having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is ...... having sex.

At age 35, success is ...... having money.

At age 50, success is ...... having money.

At age 60, success is ...... having sex.

At age 70, success is ...... having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is ...... having friends.

At age 80, success is ...... not peeing in your pants.

**********

Signs you live in 2004
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you back from his bedroom.
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid for it.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20-50 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. [ ]
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!!! yep...

**********

For all of us who are feeling a little older (and wiser!) and missing those great old tunes, here is good news. Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their maturing following.

Some examples:

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs--"Bald Thing"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

[ 09-20-2004: Message edited by: JamminJames ]

[JRS]

Senator Hillary Clinton (D, NY) and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there
is no telling where he last had his 'thing'."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's politically correct" for real, real ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet answers, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and tense and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can."


That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and
forces out the most disgusting sound you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

[Billo]

JRS, you have by far started the best thread in the lounge...

Bill

[Jarvis]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man on the ground below.

Descending a bit more, she shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

Nodding an affirmative, the man consulted his GPS and yelled back, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information. And, the fact is, Sir, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due, in large part, to a huge quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea of how to keep, and you expect someone else to solve your problem.

And, the fact is, Madam, that you are in the exact same position you were before we met... but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[JRS]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Billo:
JRS, you have by far started the best thread in the lounge...

Bill

---

Coming from a forum Moderator, "thanks" for the complment.

Now for one that speaks for itself:



[ 10-14-2004: Message edited by: JRS ]

[e30_325es]

i don't think i've seen any of these here yet:


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk
to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ~~~~

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their
mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

~~~~~

In case you needed further proof that the
human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while
sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't
this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this
because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

[JRS]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.


Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[patrick66]

GOOD
A Richardson, TX policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Plano, TX. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper Officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
your are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball. "He
replied, "Ma'am, Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment
of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.

[jamminjames]

How old am I?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

[panzerkeil302]

guy walks into a bar..and says "ouch, that hurt"

[JRS]

Subject: Onions and Christmas Trees

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts.... depending on a woman's age - in her twenties, a woman's breast are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry..."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, Mighty and Hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, Flexible but Reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas Tree."

"A Christmas Tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration.... "