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[JRS]

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink
curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard
time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly
replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what
room are they for?"

The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need
curtains!"

....

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows.

[McK]

Zen, Revisited

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart. (Goes along with "You will remain alone on an elevator. Until you fart.")
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away. And you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

[McK]

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?

A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

[McK]

What they are saying on the Internet Automobile Forums

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The typical post goes something like this...

Mercedes forum
- My wife and her a-hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Bentley Forums
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle )forums
-Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
-Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- Are gas prices going down any time soon?

Pontiac Fiero forum
- Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Buick Forum
- Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- How come people don't never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Columbia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar
- Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mini
- Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the
black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
-Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah
truck?

SRT Forums..
"Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums
- 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
-Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
-Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
-Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier Steering wheel

Ford 2.3 forums
-Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start

[McK]

A man goes to buy a train ticket and the girl selling tickets is incredibly endowed. The man says, "I'd like two pickets to Titsburgh... oh umm I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed.
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Why, just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife 'please pass the sugar' but I accidentally said, 'you f***ing b*tch, you wrecked my life!'"

[McK]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[patrick66]

An elderly man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing. A young man walks over and asks "Excuse me, Sir, what is the matter?"

The elderly man says "I'm 86 years old. I have a beautiful 22-year-old wife. She cooks, cleans, and we have wild-animal sex five or six times a day, if I have enough blue pills handy...She is the most wonderful woman in the world! I don't know...", his voice trailing off.

The young man says "So, what's the matter with that? I'd love to have your problem at your age!"

The elderly man replys: "I don't remember where I live!"

[JRS]

Warning: 2.4MB file...

Click Here

Enjoy!

JRS

[ 09-02-2004: Message edited by: JRS ]

[McK]

quote:

---

Originally posted by JRS:
Warning: 2.4MB file...

Click Here

Enjoy!

JRS

[ 09-02-2004: Message edited by: JRS ]

---

Haha, I think I saw that on TV too.

>>>>>>>>>>>

Three women are in the waiting room at the obstetrician's office.

The first lady says, "I'm going to have a girl, because I was on the bottom when we did it."

The second lady says, "I'm going to have a boy, because was on the top when we did it."

The third lady says, "Oh crap! I guess I'm gonna have a puppy."

[McK]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they talk of their adventures on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sailor asks "So, mate, how did ye end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?

"Well...," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did ye get the eyepatch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"Ye lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the new hook."

[McK]

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off.
Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, the updraft is enough that I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat.

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're really not a nice drunk."

[McK]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

[JRS]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

[JRS]

> > > >>On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a plastic surgeon's office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However,
if you don’t, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry...come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[JRS]

Subject: The Pope

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness
doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English. "Why have you not
seated yourself in this excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the
wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport,
the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren. "Oh,
my God, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on
the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred
and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop. "All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him!