Unofficialbmw.com

[jamminjames]

A few more things to ponder...

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

If you only have one eye can you still get double vision?

Why is it called MENstruation?

Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

Do you ever wonder if really dumb people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do blondes really know that they have more fun?

What was the best thing before sliced bread ?

Where is this mysteriuos place called "on the side" that only women seem to know about?

After going to the toilet you turn the tap on and wash your hands. But what's the point when you just have to touch the tap you've put germs on again to turn it off?

Why do you always push a door when it says pull and pull it when it says push?

If you expect the unexpected, wouldn't the unexpected be expected?

Why do vacuum cleaners have lights on the front, do they expect you to vacuum at night?

Who's cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "LISP"?

Why is it we are willing to spend hours looking for the remote instead of taking 2 seconds to walk to the TV and use the onboard controls?

Why is it called a MISSile if it was made to hit things?

After you take a bath you're clean but wet, so u dry yourself with a towel.
Why do you have to wash the towel? Isn't it clean?

Is a gay indian an indianus?

Why does round pizza come in a square box?

Who really did " let the dogs out "?

When it rains why dont sheep shrink?

If you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant...what do you do?

(A quote from my son when he was a toddler):
Does water float?

Who do you suppose was the first person to think "That cow over there has those thing'ies hanging down. Think I'll pull on 'em and drink whatever comes out"

When a male police officer becomes a detective, he is commonly refered to as "Dick Tracy". So, if a female police officer becomes a detective, does that make her a "Dickless Tracy?"

If "X" marks the spot...how come women have a "G" spot?

Who do you suppose was the first person to look at a chicken and say "I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out that chicken's a$$.."

If I'm not a hypochondriac but think I am, does that make me a hypochondriac?

Exactly where is the road less traveled?

If a tree falls when no one's around do the other trees make fun of it?

Do blind people have dreams? If they do, do they know what they are seeing?

If your eyes are round, why can you see out of the corners of them???

Why is more than one goose called geese but more than one moose is not meese?

If Snickers really satisfies, why do they make a king size bar?

Who took the bite out of the apple computer logo?

Does a one legged duck swim in circles?

Why do they call it toothpaste, do they expect you to glue you teeth together?

Why did "AT&T" say, "reach out and touch somebody", you can't do that over the phone.

If someone is sent to prison he/she becomes a prisoner, but does someone sent to jail become a jailor?

Why do black tires produce white smoke?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they call a crappy car a lemon? Do they taste sour?

What is a male ladybug called?

If pants are called a "pair of pants", why aren't bras?

If it was purple, would they still call it an 'orange'?

Why are stairs called 'stairs' when inside, but when you're outside they're called 'steps'?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is it called breast feeding? Your not feeding a breast.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what smart guy came up with the saying "Quit while you are ahead"?

What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?

Which came first the chicken, the egg, or the rooster?

Scientists say the universe is expanding all the time but what is it expanding into?

Why do they call Greenland Greenland when its all ice, and Iceland Iceland when its all green?

Why is it when your computer freezes, people keep on pushing more and more buttons?

Why do teachers need answer books?

On Christmas Light boxes, why do they say for indoor/outdoor use only? Where else are we going to use them?

Why is the meaning of life hard to find when you have a dictionary?

Why do you need a driver's licence to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?

The guy who drives the snowplough: How does he get to work in the mornings?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, and when you transport it by ship, it's called a cargo?

If 'practice makes perfect' and 'nobody's perfect', why bother practicing?

Why do people yell heads up when something is flying towards your head....do they want you to get hit in the face?

I once saw a sign that read: "Seeing Eye Dogs Only". Can dogs read?

Why do those signs say, "In Case of Fire, Do Not Use Elevator"? How would you put a fire out with an elevator?

What is the speed of dark?

What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

What's another word for synonym?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?

Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how'd they get it to stick to the pan?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic??

Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

How much dirt is there in a hole three feet square?

Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?

Why do cats have nine lives? Why not eight or ten?

If 24 hr. stores are open all the time, why are locks on the doors?

Did bulldogs come to be because a bull did a dog ???

When someone says to you, "If I don't see you by then, have a nice Christmas". Does that also mean if they DO see you by then, you should have a lousy Christmas?

Why are they called houseflys if they are not pets? What do you call them when they're outside?

James

[ 06-08-2004: Message edited by: JamminJames ]

[McK]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over 2 years, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and afforded me many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. I noticed that she never did this when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that, as I was soon to be married, she maintained feelings and desires for me that she couldn't - nor cared not to - overcome. She told me she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to, come up and have me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs to me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, son."



The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."

[JRS]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his
health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
================

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
======================

Fred, a lawyer, is spending his day off fishing. Like a lot of men in their element he loses track of time until he realizes that he's going to be late for dinner with his wife. Fred gathers up his gear and tosses it into his fancy BMW, and then he speeds off towards home.
As he crosses a long bridge he doesn't slow down, so naturally he is clocked by a trooper hiding at the other end of the bridge with a radar gun. Fred pulls over and the trooper walks up to his vehicle.
"Got you speeding, boy. Get out yo' license and let me see a registration." says the trooper.
"Sorry, officer. I'm late getting home to my wife." Fred respectfully pleads.
"That's your problem, boy."
The trooper then notices what a nice car Fred has. He asks Fred what he does.
"I'm a rectum stretcher."
"What the hell is a rectum stretcher?" asks the trooper.
"Well...what I do is insert several fingers into the rectum. I pull until I can insert my hands, then I use tools to stretch the ass about six feet."
Intrigued, the trooper blurts "What the hell do you do with a six foot a$$hole?"
Without missing a beat, Fred smiles and says, "You give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge!"
======================

TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

- The beatings will continue until morale improves.

- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

- We waste time, so you don't have to.

- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

- Succeed in spite of management.

- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

[ 06-14-2004: Message edited by: JRS ]

[jamminjames]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll
give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
-----------------------------------
Actual excerpts from a classified section of a city newspaper

Stock up and save. Limit: one.


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00


NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
------------------------------
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying,
This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding
the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
------------------------------------
Actual Instruction Labels

- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

- ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

- ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

- ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

- ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

- ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

- ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

- ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

- ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

- ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
----------------------------------
Actually said in court, taken down word for word by a court reporter.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: At the time of the collision, what gear were you in.
A: Tommy Hilfiger and Adidas.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

[jamminjames]

Damn! It's good to be a man...

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a damn if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN

-------------------------------------

THE FACELIFT

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The Doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is implanted in the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.

"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."


[ 06-30-2004: Message edited by: JamminJames ]

[JRS]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one
of her students The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks andtells her,
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow
have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut.

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.

Harry: Bubble gum.

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[JRS]

Subject: Monica and God

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

"God...if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off.

[Cephas]

quote:

---

Originally posted by JRS:
And just like that, her ears fell off.

---

Haha! That was good.

[Billo]

ANAGRAMS

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE


DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM


EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:

EVIL'S AGENT


PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER


DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT


THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY


MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER


SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z'S


A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:

I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE


And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[patrick66]

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?? --- It'll take me a while to get hard, I just got laid!

[JRS]

Democrats, Republicans, Southerners

How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southerners?

Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a wild look in his eyes; and a huge knife in his hand comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Democrat Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
What would the ACLU say?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Republican Answer:

BANG!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click, click


Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Black Talon Hollow Points?

[jamminjames]

Hahaha! The ironic part is that joke could be true!
Lighten up!

[McK]

On the southerner theme...

What's the difference between a fairy tale in the North and a fairy tale in the South?

In the North, the story begins "Once upon a time..."

In the South, "Hey, ya'll ain't gonna believe this here sh*t!"

[jamminjames]

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna College called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.

[jamminjames]

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to Calif. because it's cool
2000: Moving to Calif. because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity

1970: Paar
2000: AARP

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weedkiller

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney Stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends